Genesis– my battle with suicidal thoughts
To tell you how I overcame means I have to tell you a bit of my story. It ends well 
. From a young age, I battled with depression and suicidal thoughts/attempts. I was confused about the events happening in my life, and I just wanted out. Being young and facing all those emotions was concerning and troubling to me. I had a diary and I would write my feelings daily, crying to myself and drawing broken and shattered heart images.
My diary was my confidant because I couldn’t find that solace in people. I would write to God and address my diary, saying “dear diary….” trying to seek answers to my many troubles.
A bit about my journey
My journey with this battle took about 20 years and in 2013 God saved me. I have written an extensive book on this journey to be soon released (thanks for your patience), so I’ll keep it brief here.
The youngest age when I experienced periods of deep emotional sadness was 6-7. I recall many times sitting outside my house and the kids at my estate not wanting to speak or play with me. I felt like the odd one out and couldn’t connect with others. I don’t know why this would happen. Many people would make up stories about me, both at school and at home. Life was proving difficult and one day without informing anyone, I decided I was going to end my life.
I was only 13
I was 13 and at school when I made this decision. This was the worst boarding school I had ever attended. The teachers including the school owner would beat us if we performed poorly, not caring to address the factors that would cause one to not do well. At this institution, you were guilty without trial or explanation. In fact, any explanation was useless as they would still declare us guilty and punish us. The biggest lie was when I was accused of being a lesbian ring leader, and that I was apparently leading 7 girls in this act.
The teacher who made this up went as far as describing the acts we would do in the dorm. You don’t want to know what she said. They were alarming; I’ll spare you the details. We were called to the headma
Plotting my end
I can’t tell you what was going through my mind the night I decided on suicide. I didn’t understand the concept of death or know what that word meant at 13 years of age. All I knew was maybe if I took a bunch of pills, I would die and no one would have to deal with me anymore. I went to sleep knowing that was my last day on earth. The next day when everyone was going to the cafeteria for breakfast, I stayed behind so that I could sneak into the clinic to do the deed. Once everyone was out of sight, I rushed to the clinic and took pills strong enough to end my life.
Sunday Service
Oddly enough, it was Sunday, and after breakfast the cafeteria was rearranged for Sunday Service. I walked in as if I didn’t do something monumental that would affect me for the rest of my life. Upon sitting down, I joined in the worship, lifting my hands and praising God. We sang a Swahili song that said:
Hakuna Mungu kama wewe
[There’s no God like you]
Hakuna Mungu kama wewe
[There’s no God like you]
Hakuna Mungu kama wewe
[There’s no God like you]
Ewe Mungu wangu
[Oh Lord, my God]
Nasema asante
[So I am saying thank you]
Nasema asante
[So I am saying thank you]
Nasema asante
[So I am saying thank you]
Ewe Mungu wangu
[Oh Lord, my God]
Everything became blurry
Suddenly, my vision went blurry and all I saw were clouds. I panicked and got up, staggering to the door. I was pushing people to the side as I struggled to find my balance. When I got to the door, I collapsed and almost fell but two ladies saw me in distress and ran to hold me. They literally had to drag me to the dorm and lay me on my bed. After that, they left. No one knew what I did. No one checked up on me for the next few days.
Darkness
I lost consciousness and all I saw was pitch darkness for what seemed like ages. No voice, no dream, just darkness. Well, at some point i did hear a voice in my dream. I heard, “you will never try to kill yourself again. Even if you do, it will never work.” After many hours of being out, I woke up with a strange feeling in my stomach. I had this strong urge to throw up and I ran to the bathroom quickly. It felt like a hand was in my stomach pushing everything out. It sounds crazy saying this, but it was a hand my people. [Once again, I’ve explained more in my book]. This ‘hand’ was doing this up and down motion in my stomach, from the bottom of my belly to the top of my throat. It was so violent and I would run back and forth to the bathroom as I had this strong urge to throw up. The only thing that came out of my mouth was foam. I have never forgotten this experience.
After almost an hour of this happening to me, the hand movement stopped and tired, I went back to bed.True to the voice I heard, no matter how many times I tried to take my life after that, it never worked. Surely God had a plan for me and I couldn’t see it. If I knew how God worked, I would never have allowed depression nor suicidal thoughts to plague me.
The aftermath
When I woke up, I had the world’s worst headache for two days. Afterwards, I recovered and went back to class as if nothing happened. No one knew what I did, but our librarian asked me a strange question the day I resumed class. [please read the book to find out what this was…it’s a long story].
Years later, I continued to be plagued with depression, suicidal thoughts and many attempts but in 2013, in a powerful visitation, God saved me. How did it happen? Through deliverance. Sometimes we think that we have to do so many things to get better, yet we serve a God of speed who carries ‘now faith’. I know many people will say- “I have prayed and fasted and nothing worked Sheilla.” Trust me- I’ve done that too. I however didn’t understand how to stand on God’s principles. I didn’t know a lick about spiritual warfare or destroying ancient altars. There were so many doors that I opened in my life that severely damaged me.
The sad thing about trying to help others
I see so many people suffering, and when you mention God, they want to flee. I am saddened by this because there’s a way to get better. I too never expected my help to come from God, but the bible says: My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. *Hosea 4:6
When I started this blog, I was scared to put my opinions out there. This world is cruel, and when you take a stand for something, people will walk away from you. I have since lost friends, and not because I did anything to anyone, but because I professed my faith publicly. Don’t you think this is odd? What is it about the name JESUS that makes people nervous, repulsive and want to stay away? What do people have in them that causes this reaction. This is not normal behavior.
Reminiscing
When I was at school that fateful day at 13 years of age, who knew that a song would be so powerful that it would save my life? God is mighty, and when you declare His name and power over your life, He has to step in, even when you feel weak. In fact, the bible says that:
“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
My mind was made up that day, but God’s word is more supreme over suicide and depression. That day, I thought I was doing some simple worship, but I was in fact invoking God’s power over my life. The bible says this:
You are my hiding place; You shall preserve me from trouble; You shall surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah – Psalm 32:7
The word of God is not a normal word. It’s sharper than anything and pierces through everything, dividing soul and spirit. Whatever possessed me from my childhood was separated from me in 2013 as I will tell you in a little bit. I got instant deliverance. This word (Jesus) pierced through any matter in me that wasn’t from God and separated me from it.
For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit – Hebrews 4:12
Once revelation comes upon you about God’s power, and you are aware that there’s help for you, and not from any other, then you will be set free. If you are doing things both ignorantly or knowingly that displeases God, then you’ll continue in that state until you become aware that you need to change. Sometimes it’s not even you at fault. Sometimes its a generational curse that needs to be broken through spiritual warfare. Whatever it is, if you’re reading this, I want you to know that there’s help for you.
I started to speak
I started to speak about my healing. I didn’t care what people thought. I then created a method that people could use, and I started counselling others. My family and friends then encouraged me to offer mentor healing sessions, and I am on the way to start a mentorship club. Little by little I overcame fear that was trying to shut me up, and little by little I started to become vocal. Now… I am just unstoppable; there’s no turning back.
We think that all we have to do is see therapists, take medicine, go out for runs, socialize and so on to get rid of suicidal thoughts. You can do all these things if they help you, but then there’s the power of God. Everything else is a strategy, but prayer is a weapon. Make sure you involve God in all you do. This power found me in the summer of 2013, and I will never forget that day for the rest of my life.
My deliverance
I received prayer from a prophet, I went through deliverance and all my pain left me in a second. All those years of depression and suicidal thoughts and attempts…GONE in an instant! Deliverance means to be set free from something, and I was truly set free from all my many years of pain and addictions. I never thought that God would be the one to save me, but He did. Have you ever watched videos of people receiving prayers and then they started screaming, throwing up, and doing many strange things? This was me. I used to laugh at people who went through this until it happened to me😬. Demons are real and the cause of many problems in people’s lives. When you see people acting in this way, they are being set free from demons. Don’t laugh like me- rejoice because God has saved them from pain and torture and their names are written in the book of life.
Nevertheless do not rejoice in this, that the spirits are subject to you, but rather rejoice because your names are written in heaven. Luke 10:20
On this night when I got delivered, everything left me. Not the next day, not the next month or year, but that night, and in a second. I had this fire burning in my chest and I knew that this was the Holy Spirit. I received so much joy, love and happiness that I’ve never felt before in my life. I thank the Lord for His love that located me that day.
Lessons
After this, God started teaching me about my identity and my life transformed completely. I didn’t recognize myself and I was truly in shock. I knew that it was not His will to let me die, to let me kill myself.
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
He also started speaking to me in dreams and visions, and explaining many things to me. I started to love myself and to understand God’s ways. He taught me spiritual warfare and how to fight against the kingdom of darkness. Slowly by slowly, I began to get strong and what used to weaken me in the past had no ground or power over me anymore. Suicidal thoughts had to leave. Your healing journey begins after you get delivered because God has to teach you how to walk in His way so that you don’t end up in the same position again.
Watch this video to understand more about some of the struggles you might face as a Christian, how to understand them and get through them. Click here
My message to you
I don’t know what you’re going through, and how many years of torment you had to endure. I went through 20 years of torment with depression and suicidal thoughts. God wants you to be happy and to lead a fufilled life
. Many things that we go through are lessons meant to shape us and prepare us for our destinies. There are also many traps in this world, because remember this:
We know that we are of God, and the whole world lies under the sway of the wicked one. 1 John 5:19
Because of these traps and sways of the devil, you have to be careful about many things especially the places you go to and the activities you choose to do. Sway also means control, rule, or influence. This whole world is under the control of the devil, but this is why Jesus came so that He could set you free. So many things look okay and normal, but they’re not. Be very careful.
There is a way that seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death. *Proverbs 14:12
Also watch the vision of hell that God gave me in 2015. It will really help you understand many things in your life. Click here…
Paths
Are you on the right path? Are you sure of the activities in your life?
Jesus’s death on the cross was
No weapon formed against you shall prosper, And every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, And their righteousness is from Me,” Says the Lord. Isaiah 54:17
No weapon formed
Do you see what the verse above says? It says no weapon formed against you shall prosper. This is true if you know your identity and how to stand in that identity. Negative thoughts and emotions
For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. 4 For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, 5 casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ 6 and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled. * 2 Corinthians 10: 3-6
We talk back to all the tactics of the devil in the name of Jesus.
Read this article for more encouragement. It is called ‘It is well with my soul’. I share how despite many persecutions and hate from people, God visited me powerfully in a vision and told me it is well with soul, that I should focus on Him, and not people. I hope it encourages you as well.
Fight back
It’s really simple. That night when I got delivered, all that was done was a word was spoken over me. Prayer was offered that carried power. Prophets are truly real and have been sent to help us in such dire moments. Even your pastor can offer a prayer for you and deliver you. You too can pray and God will hear you. When you mention the name Jesus, it’s not a usual name, It carries power and victory. This same Jesus is in you if you’ve accepted Him, and so when you speak and utter His name,
31 And the Lord said, “Simon, Simon! Indeed, Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat. 32 But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren.” Luke 22:31-32
Who are you?
When you know who you are, you then know who you’re not. You know what to accept and what to push aside and denounce. So if we look at Jeremiah 29:11, you now know that God’s thoughts are good towards you always, so from today, please stop constantly meditating on death and hate. Do not accept it. The devil’s aim is to kill, steal, and destroy, and he does so by stealing your joy first. Once he drains your joy, then he can begin to beat you down thoroughly and make you feel worthless and unloved; we however know that this is not God’s truth.
The devil’s wish and intent
Do this from today
So, from today, do not allow the devil to occupy free rent in your house. Can you recover from depression? A BIG YES! If nothing is too big for God, then it’s not too big for you, because as He is, so are you [1 John 4:17]. He is in you, He moves, breathes and acts through and in you. You are His holy temple. The next time you get thoughts of suicide, renounce them and declare God’s love and power over your life. Always have victories in your mind. If anything pops up in your mind that does not spell victory, then you know it doesn’t come from God. Do not meditate on it as you will be giving it access into your life and by doing so, it will begin to take root in you. Every time Jesus showed up anywhere, demons began to manifest and leave. This same Jesus is in you, and so when you have Him, you only have victory.
Indeed, they shall surely assemble, but not because of Me. Whoever assembles against you shall fall for your sake. Isaiah 54:15
Prayers against depression and suicidal thoughts
Use the prayer points below to pray:
- I cancel every thought of depression and suicide in the name of Jesus. I come against every voice of the devil trying to uproot me from my authority, given to me by God
- I silence every voice of the enemy speaking death over my life. I am blessed and not cursed. I am loved and not rejected and abandoned; I am favored in Jesus name.
- I declare victory over the devil and his traps. I uproot from the spiritual realm every element of darkness and I silence his voice perpetually from ever speaking to me in Jesus name.
- May my mind be filled with thoughts of victory only. May I stand in God’s victory that He got for me on the cross in Jesus name.
- I declare that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me in the name of Jesus.
